Cruise ships have a bad reputation for being dens of inequity where everyone sleeps with everyone in the crew, and there are very few real relationships. This is quite often true.
The “til gangway do we part” mentality is often how things are (if it even lasts until then). I’ve been on ships for a long time, and I’ve seen and heard a lot of things.
If you don’t want to fall for a sleaze ball, (and quite possibly end up in the medical department embarrassed), here’s some tips on what not to do…
This is the first article in my four part series about love on a ship. To read the rest please click below:
Part 2 – How to Have a Real RelationSHIP
Part 3 – Dinosaur Day – How I Found my One on a Ship
Part 4 – Ship Love – Happily Ever After Stories
Things to watch out for to not get screwed over on a ship:
1/ Do you want to watch a movie?
There are certain pick up lines, which seem like genuine conversation, which are used again and again. This is probably the oldest line in the ship’s (log)book.
Long before to ‘Netflix and Chill’ was a thing on land, ship guys and girls, have been using the poor (sea) man’s equivalent line. This is the most commonly used line. It means the asker can get the askee alone in their cabin, they are already sitting on their bed as there’s probably no other furniture so there’s nowhere to have to get them to, no one sees you together if you have anything (or anyone) to hide and the person doesn’t even need to spend money on the ‘date’.
I learned this one first hand on my first ship. I actually thought I was going to watch Aladdin. So I declined the offer to rub a different kind of ‘magic lamp’.
Take away – You won’t see a movie.
2/ I have wine in my cabin – do you want to come over for some?
It’s 2am, the crew bar has just closed, and the Security officers are politely kicking everyone out so the place can be cleaned. But you’ve had such a good night that you don’t want the party to end just yet. Then that guy you’ve sort of spoken to a few times says “Hey, I have wine in my cabin, do you want to come over for some?” Often there is no wine. If you aren’t happy with going over and being offered a different tipple, bring a friend or two (mixed gender works best) with you. One friend specifically asks at the door – Show me the wine please! – Before she’ll even walk in, with a friend in tow.
Take away – There’s probably not even any wine.
3/ I’m having a cabin party. Would you like to come?
Sometimes cabin “parties”, are really parties for two. So, like the wine line, bring at least one friend with you if you’d rather not be the only guest. This is a rouse used on land too, but on ships with everything being in microcosm, it can be more effective.
Take away – There is rarely a party. Except in their pants. And yes, you are invited.
4/ Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
On my first ship, I quickly learned that some married people aren’t quite as married when they’re on a ship, and they spend time with other people. Many of these people have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. This means, they assume if anyone they are chatting up doesn’t ask if they are married (or have a girlfriend/boyfriend/in any sort of committed relationship with someone at home/another ship/or even on the ship you’re on) then it means that they don’t want to know. So if you do want to know, and want to avoid being in that situation, directly ask. Some people who want to deceive will still lie, but the vast majority will be upfront at this point.
Take away – Ask questions before.
5/ Phone a friend
Well, you don’t need to phone really, as you’ll probably bump into them. But ask your friends what they know about your potential new beau before you do anything. Ship gossip is usually faster than a glass of champagne is grabbed at the Captain’s toast at spreading rumors, so if your intended has any dirty deeds in their past (at least on the current ship), the rumor-mill will probably have heard about it.
Take away – Gossip can be useful.
6/ Phone their friend
Often even more useful can be asking their friends about them, as they can let you know more about their character and how they’ve treated people before. This can be asked by you, or sometimes even more usefully, by a friend of yours’. A barrel of apples rarely has a bunch of rotten ones, if any, usually only one, but almost never all. So if your potential girl or guy is the rotten one, usually other people will know and talk about it at some point.
Take away – Reputations can be useful.
7/ I am separated
This is rarely true. If someone tells you this, I would be wary until getting more information, unless you’re ok with being the other person and knowing about it.
Take away – Wedding rings are not a good sign.
8/ Facebook Friends
If someone wants you to be their F buddy, but wont be your F-acebook buddy, then there’s probably something not Disney-movie-happy-ending going on there. If you want to avoid a sleaze ball, Facebook (or whichever social media option is your favorite) friend them first, so you know they don’t mind you being in their social sphere and knowing more about their life – and you are giving them the same reassurance so they know you’re not a sleaze ball either.
Take away – F buddies, but not Facebook buddies = bad.
9/ Spend a little time
Before going to someone’s cabin, or inviting them to yours, an easy way to find out if they are a sleaze ball or not, is to spend time with them, out of the tiny cupboard that you live in that has your clothes and the only place to sit is on your bed. This is overly convenient. Do something off the ship, or even on the ship elsewhere first. Meet for dinner, play a board game, go off the ship cycling, actually watch a movie (with other people there or in the ship’s cinema if it has one). Anything. Just anything that isn’t simply drinking in the bar or being in a cabin alone.
Take away – Put in the time.
10/ Designated Decider
If you’re going to have a night on the sauce, have a designated decider with you. While no one is supposed to ever be intoxicated as such on a ship, every now and then, people will have a glass of wine. Sometimes even two… So, if you’re planning on doing that (or if you’re not planning on it, but it ends up that the night is going that way anyway), make sure you’re with a trusted friend who will make sure you get to your own bed safely, and alone (if that’s what they know you’d really want).
Ship people look after each other, so even if you aren’t in the bar with your bestie, you can easily find one by asking someone of whichever gender you’re not romantically interested in, to keep an eye on you if you need it. Someone may volunteer anyway, but just in case your Florence Nightingale ends up being less than altruistic, it’s good to have a back up person ready.
Take away – Don’t drink and decide.
11/ My wife (or husband) and I have an understanding
Most probably the understanding is that the person on the ship understands that their person at home, is far away and very unlikely to find out about any dalliances they have on the ship. So their understanding is most often that “what the other person doesn’t know won’t hurt them”. There are some people who genuinely do have open relationships or understandings like this. The way to find out if that is true is see number 6 or 8.
Take away – Understandings need to be two-way.
12/ PDA
Public Displays of Acknowledgement – I’m not even talking about needing to have public displays of affection here, just acknowledgement. There are some people, male and female, who will act one way (all over them) with someone in private, but in public, they don’t even acknowledge their existence. These people may say they don’t wanting people to know about any potential tryst until they know what the relationship is, and that part is completely fine. However, that is a reason to not full on French kiss you in public until things are more solid, but there is no reason at all not to talk to you like a friend, or even fellow human. If someone outright ignores you in public, while flirting or more, in private, this person does not respect you at all, and they should be kicked the curb immediately.
Take away – If you’re scummy, no honey.
13/ Remember, everyone will know
Ships are like floating villages, with all the good, and bad qualities that come with that mentality. On the good side, there is the fact that everyone looks after each other. If you’re stuck in port without your bus or cab fare back to the ship, or you’ve been mugged, anyone from your ship will help you out and make sure you’re safe.
On the bad side, ships gossip like tiny villages do, and if you go home with someone, half the ship will likely know about it before you leave the cabin in the morning. So if that thought of everyone knowing, would mortify you the night before, just think a little more first.
Take away – Ship gossip is faster than Facebook.
Round Up
I also realize that if there are any sleaze balls reading this, I might be giving you some ideas that you haven’t thought of. But hopefully if there are, there are also enough non-sleaze balls to balance and rat out these sneaky little techniques.
On a serious note, whatever you choose to do, be safe when you do it. Ships are exciting places to meet people, but use protection. You never know where they’ve been before you. You don’t want to have an embarrassing or painful visit to the medical center to get some special cream or pills, or have an unplanned person exist with someone from the other side of the world (who you may never see after the contract again) just because of that one night you had too much tequila.
What did you think of my list? Have you experienced any of these situations? Do you have a story you’d like to share?
Write your words of wisdom – or warning – in the comments below!
This is the first article in my four part series about love on a ship. To read the rest please click below:
Part 2 – How to Have a Real RelationSHIP
Part 3 – Dinosaur Day – How I Found my One on a Ship
Part 4 – Ship Love – Happily Ever After Stories